Love is a pain

"Do you think i am humane? If so, why do I feel so disgusted? I cant even talk to people.. you know".
And you say,"okay".

"It's hard, umm..u wont understand ..ever! and I have told you, no.. it was a warning that that you will get bored of me and regret my company *smiles, a pale smile* I am not adorable".
And you say,"but you are capable of loving everyone and.. yeah! being loved too."
"ok. perhaps I brag too much about it, I dunno,what you think?"

And you say,"yes,sometimes. may be you deserve more?"[was that even a question?]. you wonder, but you keep silence.And you think more that she lacked everything that you fantasied in a partner and at times,you have wished that you have hated her. but, you cant,it will hurt her more than anything. After all she loved you.

And you say,"I would never hate you." And she smiles, a pale smile.

I am tired.

Over the past few days, it's all about study, study, study and I seem to be trying, but not much moving on. Any more tea could make me sick!

I am tiredof everything. If I can't work up to it, how can I realise my dreams. My paths are ever-changing. Never mind, I just want peace. and love... and money...and peace again. And I want to wake up every morning, and have my tea, looking over the sunrise, from my green beautiful, wet meadow. Nice!

I think he lost his mobile. That's sad, but not really. Even I was envious about his new gadget, w950i, but I feel sad for him. Not really. You loose it, you get new. Is relationships like that too? You get tired of one, you get another... I wish it was... No, it is actually, I am tired of him. I am tired of sitting around, waiting for him, like a dog. He doesn't care, then why should I?

Thank God, exams are from 2nd Monday and not this week. I didn’t change the calendar to next month yet. And my timings went wrong. May be I should start a new schedule; for everything

I surely need a change. - A makeover story-
New people, new surroundings, new gadgets, new haircut- nothing more.
But for right now, I need a good sleep, then a shower, or may be, the other way around. I don’t care, it’s all the same. Both give my peace.

downside of loving a friend

First thing about loving your friend: it's never 'Love at first sight'. It's more about annoying and compromising in your differences.

My Friend is awesome. In so many ways, indescribable, and he makes my life so pleasant. And it is his flaws, I love more! We talk about all the unnecessary stuff, mock others and kid around a lot. Even, when we don't talk, I feel good in our silence. And he knows me more than the outer flakes. "the pathetic, depending, cynical me". For him, I am totally unromantic, as if I belong to anti-love group. Well, I have never seen him romantic either.

We are in our own relationships. Mine, a dead-end. His, more miserable, (as I say). He was in a relation with a girl, but dumped her, for another, whom he thought his 'true love'. Well, it’s funny! All he got so far is missed calls from her, so that he can call her! I do my preaching sessions in love now and then. So irritating, I know! But I couldn't help it either. It was loud and clear, she didn’t have interest in him. He thinks I am weird, but I don't want to see him get hurt again.
“A relationship sinks when you try too hard"

The irony part (as I say), I started loving him.. *not a big deal! Happens to lot many out there, right? Still I had to be supportive on his every love quest. And later on, when I tell "don't worry, you love her lot na, you would get her”; it was really hard for me.

And, finally, he decided to leave the hope in her. It seems she didn’t care for him much after all what he done for her. You might think, I would have rejoiced at this point, that I get the guy. Nah! I didn't even get time to think anything like that. He went back to the first girl, his 'safe love' (as he says). All I said was "ok, I hope you will be happy" And I didn’t understand why, but it didn’t work either. Not yet. May be sooner or later.

I could have told him, like "I love you..blah blah". But I didn’t want to ruin the friendship we had. And there was no room for me in his heart. He was busy moving going back and forth, with those girls. Still I hoped, may be he would realize, that I love him a lot and he would love me. Well, he tells the same line about his 'true love': “may be she would realise, that I am the ONE for her and love me too...dont you know how much I love her??"
Seriously, I didn't know what to say to this!

On one side, my hopes for love was crushing down and on the other side, I didn’t want to sabotage our friendship. So I guess, I went along.

And, by now, I know quite well, that he won't love me ever. My heart aches on it. And he knows well that I love him. Yet he tells me how much he loves his 'love'
"You can never force anyone to love you, it has to come naturally."

I feel like running away from him. May be we shouldn't have met, never been friends. Oh fuck it, I don’t know! I guess, I should not have expected much from him. Now, I don’t expect him to love me. And it gives me a relief. Yet, at times, when he says "I don’t know him". It hurts me... just hurts me! I loved him to my life. ‘I can't love you. Now is it like, I don’t know you either?!!"
I realised that, if it’s not me, there would be others for him. ._.

I want to leave him; I want to say 'fuck up' to myself, every time my mind says “I want you to love me".

May be, to be loved by someone you love is a fairy tale. And oh, I am very unlucky. I guess, fortune didn't bless me in love either!

And when I leave him, the hardest part would be, to share myself, my craziness, my imbecile thoughts to someone new... all from the start. -a long process- may be, fortune will bless me there! Anyway, it's a creepy thing, I tell you, (at least for me) to leave one love behind and to look for a new one...

Out of Box

“Wow! Look at those pair! So gorgeous. let me try it on, Yes, its fit me well”. (smiles, as if she won a Miss. beauty contest) “ But look at its heel and I am tall..very tall (damn, the stupid boys, why cant you all be tall?!!)”Disappointment sagged her cheeks a little. But almost determined, not to let anyone else to have her new found treasure. Her friend agreed that it matches her long (bootiful)legs.On her way back to home, she felt good,

1. she got what she wanted.

2. that too, at 50% discount.

The work load brought her back from the land of shoes to her home. Everything in this home is pending and looked upon to be done by someone else. And that someone else was always her! She cleaned the home like she was digging a dirty mine , and then the loads of clothes, then the phone calls, then a little time for nap. Did she dream of her new shoes, I wonder! Because she woke up instantly (in a snap, I say! --the power of new things, they break the rules of sleep too!)

She went around, looked for the shoes, there, it lies on the sofa, where she threw as she came in. Eagerness Rules. She removed the box in a second, and the shoes ,out of box , in another fraction of second. (smiles). She put it on and walked a step forward ,before the mirror, then a step back, then sidewise . Disappointment sagged her cheeks again.

“Man, I look like a giant!!” Now, Curiosity raised her eyebrows “can I even use the word, giant? What else can I use? I look too large for the room (too tall for the mirror).”She threw the stupid shoes away(yeah, they are stupid, it doesn’t make her feel worthy)Hmm. One minute ago, it was cared and caressed, now its deserted ,dumped etc. Anger raised her eyebrows further, and disappointment sagged her heart, this time.

She imagined her wearing it the next day, walking along the side path, everyone especially men, an inch shorter than her. And people staring at her, as if she was some kind of giant. (so, the use of word “GIANT” was correct) “Dork! Why the hell did I buy this shoes?” and hit the pillow and it sank with her arm.

She remembered the last time when the world grew shorter of her (or rather she felt larger than everything around, as she step into her cousins’ room , there he stands dressing , half-naked(just a bare-chest). She felt like a giant then. Her cousin who was tall, suddenly looked smaller than her! Now, she wonders, after all this time, what was that about. No, its not about a bare-chest. But, him admiring himself on mirror, made her laugh. (The LAUGH that she should have laughed then, at that time)

Ah! That was a long time ago, And she can’t laugh at him again; a soul gone beyond the seasons of nature! Disappointment sagged her again ,and made her face lower. She saw the pair of shoes lying on the floor pair-less , abandoned. She picked them up and placed them inside the box.

There, they lie, waiting to get out of box , for a next time run.